Tales of the Parodyverse

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Dancer via HH
Mon Apr 25, 2005 at 01:01:27 pm EDT
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Dancer Presents: Confusingly Bad Crossovers #2: “You wanna see how hard it is to dislodge your invisible rhino from where I’m gonna shove it?”
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Dancer Presents: Confusingly Bad Crossovers #2: “You wanna see how hard it is to dislodge your invisible rhino from where I’m gonna shove it?”


[The Scene: The 16.21 Express out of Parodiopolis Central, heading up the coast towards Goth Haven. Our four heroes have a carriage all to themselves, because while passengers have no problem at all crowding a leggy brunette in a dancing leotard, they’re less keen about sharing personal space with a guy in orange spandex pants and a 30’s flying jacket, a psychotic gun-toting vigilante in a stained trenchcoat, and a religious fanatic with a metal bucket on his head.]

Dancer: No really, don’t feel you have to go. Under the bucket he’s a really nice guy. And Messy’s intending to wash his outfit any month now.

Nats: Okay, so far I’m out four train tickets to Goth Haven and Messenger’s gun-hand twitches every time he looks at me. Want to tell us what we’re doing now, Dancer?

Dancer: Apart from enjoying the scenery and each other’s company?

Nitz the Bloody: I was wondering when the enjoying part was going to happen. I must have missed it.

Messenger: If there’s some kind of crime afoot in this Goth Haven place we need to be properly briefed. I might have had to bring more weapons.

Nats: Is that a bazooka in your pocket or are you just… wow, fast reflexes with that razor letter. I’ll just sit down over here.

Nitz: Why Goth Haven? Couldn’t you have punished us for not feeling all warm and fuzzy about superheroing in the Parodyverse nearer to home?

Dancer: I’m not punishing you. I’m opening your eyes to the joys of teamwork and interaction and characterisation. I’m sure you’ll thank me some day.

Nats: After the years of therapy.

Messenger: The annoying punk in the metal bucket has a point. What’s so special about Goth Haven that we have to deploy there? Please tell me we’re not just taking the journey to have some bonding time.

Dancer: We’re not just taking the journey to have some bonding time.

Messenger, rubbing his forehead: There’s got to be some crime somewhere on this train that I can vent my feelings on.

Nats: Ham-Boy is the local superhero in Goth Haven, isn’t he? Why didn’t you bring him along?

Dancer: I didn’t see any point risking innocent lives on a dangerous mission to save the Earth.

Nitz: You mean we’ve got a loaded vigilante with us and he might go off at any time.

Messenger: I have other razor letters you know.

Nats: Wait. Go back to that bit about “dangerous mission to save the Earth”.

Nitz, to Messenger: You don’t scare me. I have an invisible rhino.

Messenger: You know, one, even two heroes lost in combat today might be acceptable casualties.

Nats: Guys, focus. Dancer just slipped in a dangerous mission while you were busy sniping at each other and admiring Nitz’ rhino.

Dancer: Yes. I’m afraid there’s a bit of a situation waiting for us in Goth Haven. I couldn’t bring the Lair Legion because I didn’t want them all to get wiped out.

Nitz: But we’re expendable?

Messenger: Works for me.

Nats: Doesn’t Goth Haven have its own celebrity superheroes anyway, Jet Starscream and the Wonderful Seven?

Messenger: Is this continuity again? I absolutely refuse to team up with crummy third rate superheroes I’ve never heard off. *looks at Nitz* I mean other crummy third rate superheroes I’ve never heard off.

Nitz: You want to feel the power of Zeku so far up your backside you can taste it, angel boy?

Messenger: You wanna see how hard it is to dislodge your invisible rhino from where I’m gonna shove it?

Dancer: Unfortunately Jet Starscream and the Wonderful Seven won’t be able to join us as they are on their world tour.

Nats: World tour? Like the LL world tour? That is so copying.

Dancer: Like the LL world tour but with better video footage, and going to less sucky places. But they won’t be around to help us when we get to Goth Haven.

Messenger, mumbling: …save me a few bullets….

Nitz: It’s a shame we won’t get to team up with the Wonderful Seven. I could have used a team-up where I’m the heavyweight.

Nats: When you have your own reality TV series like they do then you’ll be a heavyweight. And then you’d probably be voted off the island in the pilot episode.

Nitz: Because I don’t have attractive orange tights? I guess that might lose me the pink vote.

Dancer: If you boys don’t start behaving we’ll have to go on another suicidally dangerous team-up mission next week.

Nats: See?? She said it again. The D-word. So what is it that…

Dancer: Now I want each of you to say something nice about the others.

Messenger: We don’t have time for nice. Tell us about this danger. Suicidal danger is my life.

Dancer: Not until you say something nice to Nats and Nitz. Nats and Nitz. That still cracks me up.

Messenger: …….

Dancer, warningly: Messy….

Messenger: Nats, you have a very hot girlfriend. Nitz…

Nitz: Okay, so I haven’t dated for a while. I’m pretty sure Nats only got Uhuna by using voodoo…

Dancer: That would explain a lot.

Messenger: Nitz, your helmet is very shiny. There. Now can we know who it is we’re going to kill?

Dancer: Not yet. Nitz, your turn. Be nice to Messy and Bill.

Nitz: What if I don’t?

Dancer: You will. One way or another, the hard way or the easy way. Do you want to go for the hard way?

Nitz: I’m high priest of Zeku, you know.

Dancer: And I’m sure he’d want you to be kind to your fellow champions against evil. Start with Nats.

Nitz: Nats, you’re not as lame as everybody says.

Nats: Thanks, Nitz, I…. hey!

Nitz: Messenger, if you disturb the bad guys half as much as you do me you’re really gonna scare them.

Messenger: Grr.

Dancer: Okay. Now, that villains we’re up against…

Nitz: Hey, hold it. Nats hasn’t said anything nice yet.

Messenger: Yeah. We had to make idiots of ourselves.

Nitz: Not that Nats hasn’t made an idiot of him self lots of times anyway.

Nats: And you wonder why I don’t say nice things about you.

Dancer: Now Nats, Messy and Nitz are right. You need to say something good about them. Otherwise we might have to all hold hands and sing We Are the World.

Nats: Wow, you would make one very scary supervillain. Okay, Messy, I can respect the razor letters and parcel bombs. Very Frank Miller. Nitz, your rhino is pretty, um, pretty… post-modern. Yeah. Your rhino is post modern. There.

Dancer: Very nice I’m proud of you. It’s super that we had these moments of bonding before we face the Heralds of Galactivac.

Nats: The WHO?????!!!!!!

Messenger: Dancer, I thought you were the Herald of Galactivac, the Living Death that Sucks. And anyway, wasn’t he taken out a while back when Pegasus blew up?

Nitz: Ah, so you read the story with the hot winged warrior-chick in it.

Messenger: Only for the articles. Really.

Nats: There are four Heralds. One supposedly nice Herald who still drags people on horror train journeys with psychos and misfits for her own evil pleasure, plus one weak easily led kind of pathetic one, the Crimson Cyclist, plus two spittingly evil sadistic bastards, Terrorox the Tormentor and Undermind Obscura. They’re all insanely powerful, and they’re all insane.

Dancer: Present company excepted, of course.

Nats, Nitz, Messenger: …………..

Messenger: So we’ve got to take on cosmic-powered alien Heralds who happen to have come to Goth Haven?

Dancer: I guess they read the Chamber of Commerce flyer that said it was a nice place to do business. It’s just that their business is wiping all life off the face of this planet.

Nitz: And we’re not bringing the Lair Legion to help us because it would be too dangerous for them?

Dancer: Well, I thought a little challenge might be good for team-building.

Nats: We have to call back to the Mansion, get out an APB for Donar and Finny and, and the Chronicler of Stories. And Premiere. *fumbles for his commcard* Hey, I can’t get a signal.

Nitz: We’re coming into Goth Haven. Is it supposed to be completely deserted? There’s nobody on the streets at all. It’s like a theatre showing the Catwoman movie.

Messenger: Okay, so there’s definitely a problem here. Now we take care of business.

Dancer: Oooh. You can’t stay cross at Messy when he gets all grim and sexy like that.

Nats: Gritty. Grim and gritty.

Dancer: *grins*

Terrorox the Tormentor: If you’ve all finished chattering, would you care to step out here so we can get on with the torturing part?

To be continued…




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